Please dont take offence to any of these jokes, they r just jokes.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: 7 Degrees of Blond
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2
in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked
up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should
I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband inquired,
"Who
was that?" to which the wife replied, "I don't know; some woman wanting
to
know 'if the coast is clear."
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this
person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let
me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You
dummy, it's me!"
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and
when
she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut
up,
you're next!"
OUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know
all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital
of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrificaccident. Miraculously,
she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was
applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the
trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on
by an
elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
:"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the
world
did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest
thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out
of
nowhere this TREE pops up in front
of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another
tree! I swerved to >the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to
the
right and there was another tree! I
swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said,
cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That
was
your air freshener swinging back and forth."
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned
the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher
broadcast
the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the
first
to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered
at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting
her
face in her hands, she moaned,
I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call
the police for help, and what do they do? They send me
a BLIND poloiceman!"
----------------------------------------------------GOLDFISH


> Little Amy was in the garden filling in a hole when
> > > her neighbor peered
> > > over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
> > > youngster was doing, he
> > > politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amy?"
> > >
> > > "My goldfish died," replied Amy tearfully, without
> > > looking up, "and I've
> > > just buried him."
> > >
> > > The neighbor was curious, "That's an awfully big
> > > hole for a goldfish,isn't
> > > it?"
> > >
> > > Amy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
> > > "That's because he's
> > > inside your stupid cat.
----------------------------------------------------
church bulletin bloopers

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha
Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer
Conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in
The recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving
Obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget
your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due
To a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
Will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who
doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
Nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and
gracious hostility.
----------------------------------------------------
Three little piggy's went out for dinner.
> > > The waiter comes by
> > > and takes their drink order.
> > >
> > > "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
> > > "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
> > > "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
> > >
> > > The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for
>dinner.
> > >
> > > "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
> > > "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
> > > "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
> > >
> > > The meals were brought out. A while later the waiter approached the
>table
> > > and asked if the
> > > piggies would like any dessert.
> > >
> > > "I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
> > > "I want a bowl of ice cream," said the second piggy.
> > > "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
>piggy.
> > >
> > > "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you ordered
>only
> > > water?"
> > >
> > > SCROLL DOWN
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > You're gonna hate me for this....
> > >
> > > Hold on to your seat....
> > >
> > > I promise, I didn't make this up........
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The third little piggy says,
> > >
> > >
> > > "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
----------------------------------------------------
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class
about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example,
" she said. "If I were to get into a man's
pocket and take his billfold with all his money,
what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand,
and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
"You'd be his wife!"


A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before
she dismissed them to go to church,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class
why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing
the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining
the commandment to
"honor thy father and thy mother,"
she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching
how God created everything,
including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially
intent when they told him how
Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him
lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side.
I think I'm going to have a wife."
----------------------------------------------------
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats
in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this
>he
whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one
seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the
manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up
the
aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of
them
tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally,
they
summoned the police. The cop surveyed the sitation briefly then asked,
"All
right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" > With pain in his
voice
Sam replied.... "The balcony."
----------------------------------------------------
25 Things to do in the bathroom

1.Stick your hand under the stall and ask your neighbor to borrow a highlighter.

2.Say "Uh oh I knew I shouldnt have put my lips on that!"

3.Cheer and clap loudly everytime someone breaks the silence with a bodily function.

4.Say "Hmmm.....Ive never seen THAT color before!!!"

5.Say "Dang this water is cold!"
6. Grunt and strain loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope from a high place and sigh with relief.
7.Say "Now how did that get here?"
8.Say "Humus, reminds me of humus."

9.Fill a large squirt bottle with Mountain Dew and squirt under stall while shouting "Whoa, easy there!"

10.Say "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters."

11.Spread peanut butter on a piece of toilet paper, kick it under the stall and then ask,"Could you please kick that back?"

12.Say "Come on Mr. Happy,dont fall asleep on me now!"

13.Say "Boy ,that sure looks like a maggot to me!"

14.Say "Darn I knew that drain hole was a little too small, now what am i going to do?"

15.Play music with your butt-cheeks.

16.Before you unroll the toilet paper lay down your Cross Dressers Anonymous letter visible the next stall.

17.Lower a small mirror underneath the stall, make it visible to the other person and say "Peek-a-boo!!"

18.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor and sing "Born Free"
19.Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
20.Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.
21.Start a sing-a-long.
22.Act schizophrenically.
23.Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....
24.Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
25.Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
----------------------------------------------------
50 things to do in the movie theatre

1. Inform the entire theatre that you have to go to the bathroom. Wait a minute or so and tell everyone that you feel better now.

2. Applaud.

3. Laugh loudly during serious and sad scenes.

4. Sing along with the backround music.

5. Whenever someone opens a door yell "Don't go in there, he's got a gun!"

6. Snore.

7. Yell "Hey, down in front!" even if you are sitting in the front.

8. Make shadow puppets.

9. If you've seen the movie before, say what's going to happen right before it happens. Act amazed at your wonderful foresight.

10. Walk around behind the screen. Jump through it. Run like hell.

11. Pull out a gun and shoot the "bad guys." Tell people that you are a part of this new "live action" movie. Shoot any movie personnel telling you to stop.

12. Read the credits out loud.

13. Dress as a cheerleader. Keep the actors' enthusiasm up.

14. Stand by the screen and sign the movie.

15. Rip off one end of a straw wrapper and blow in the straw. The wrapper will fly across the theatre, hopefully hitting someone.

16. (Variation of above) Dip the wrapper end in ketchup. This will make it a permanent part of the screen.

17. If it's a Disney film, go up to the projector room and replace the film with an adult film.

18. Talk loudly to a friend. Whenever someone else makes the slightest noise, tell them they are inconsiderate little bastards for disrupting your viewing pleasure.

19. Put Ex-Lax in the drinks. Lock all the doors.

20. Say "beep" loudly at every vulgarity. Tell those objecting that you are from the EPA here to stop noise pollution.

21. Throw Runts at people so you can use the drive by fruiting joke.

22. Sacrifice small furry creatures in the front of the theatre.

23. Sit by the aisle. Trip everyone that walks by.

24. Walk in front of the screen, fall, and lay there for a few minutes. Then get up and go back to your seat as if nothing happened. Do it again every ten minutes.

25. Play an appropriate instrument for the movie:
western=banjo, comedy=cazoo, action=synthesizer or guitar, mystery=bad whistle, etc.

26. Say the lines with the movie, in Swahili.

27. Collect donations for charity.

28. Bring a portable T.V. Watch the ball game. Cheer loudly.

29. Aerosol can. Zippo. 'nuff said.

30. Throw paper airplanes. Anounce their take off like air traffic control personnel.

31. Candle flashpaper = fireballs!

32. Yell "Ow!" after every gunshot.

33. Stand on your head in the aisle during the duration of the movie.

34. Have a barbecue.

35. Gargle your soft drink.

36. Juggle.

37. Bowl in the isle.

38. Get a realistic looking (and sounding) cap gun. Go to the front of the theatre and exclaim that "The movie is depressing you." Shoot yourself in the head and fall dead. After about a minute get up and go back to you seat. Remain silent the rest of the movie.

39. Play Battleship with someone accross the theatre.

40. Wear a trench coat and sunglasses. Whenever someone enters or exits the theatre ask to see their identification.

41. Do shots.

42. Eat a lot of beans or chili before the movie. Hope the theatre is crowded.

43. Leave death threats on various seats. Give sinister glances to people as they leave the theatre.

44. Break into a chorus of "I Will Survive" during climatic parts of the movie.

45. Do some needlepoint. Suddenly yell "Ow! That hurt. Woah cool, it's spurting."

46. Find the light switch. Turn the lights on.

47. Throw water balloons.

48. Bring lots of gerbils and mice. Think snowball fight.

49. Have a friend call your beeper every 5 minutes. Make sure it's loud.

50. Throw smoke grenades.
----------------------------------------------------
27 Ways To Annoy Your Date

1. Guard your plate with fork and knife and act like you'll stab anyone who reaches for it, including the waiter.
2. Collect salt shakers from all the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower formation on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your sleeve. Twice.
4. Make faces at other patrons, and then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third word you say say.
6. Read a newspaper during the meal, ignoring your date.
7. Stare at yours neck, and grind your teeth. Ask if hes a slayer.
8. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you dont know what hes talking about.
9. Every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched while making airplane sounds.
10. Order a bucket of lard.
11. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This is especially fun in fancy places with linen tablecloths.
12. When ordering, inquire if the restaurant has any live food.
13. Without asking, eat off his plate. Eat more of his food than he does.
14. Drool.
15. Talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
16. Scarf down everything on your plate in 30 seconds.
17. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go to the hostess and ask for another table. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him,What took you so long in the restroom?!
18. Ask the people at the next table if you can taste their food.
19. Beg your date to tattoo your name on his bicep.
20. Order something nasty for your date. Act offended if he refuses to eat it.
21. Ask for a seat away from the windows where you have a good view of all exits and can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
22. Lick your plate. Offer to lick your dates.
23. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
24. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements.
25. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
26. Order a baked potato as a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes and ask the waiter for the potato you never got. When the waiter returns, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
27. Throughout the meal, speak in pig latin.
----------------------------------------------------
51 Ways to be Annoying

1. Sing the "This is the song that never ends" incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that
this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to
others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
----------------------------------------------------
41 things to do in the mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
9...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".
10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from "Dianetics."
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".
36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39. Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
----------------------------------------------------
50 Things To Do In Wal-Mart!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"

20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought the customer was always right!"

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.


47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
----------------------------------------------------
STUPID DIRECTIONS
In case you needed further proof that the human race is
doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sear's hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter's special)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how ...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But its "just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
( Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
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Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see
your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it"

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
----------------------------------------------------
Why aren't wrong numbers ever busy?
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If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
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Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
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What do you call a male ladybug?
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What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
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When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
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Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor
when you can't drink and drive?
----------------------------------------------------
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
----------------------------------------------------
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
----------------------------------------------------
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
----------------------------------------------------
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
----------------------------------------------------
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
----------------------------------------------------
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
----------------------------------------------------
Why are there locks on the doors at a 7-11 when it is open 24 hours?
----------------------------------------------------
Female Come-backs!

M: Haven't I seen you some place before?
F: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

M: Is this seat empty?
F: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

M: Your place or mine?
F: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

M: So, what do you do for a living?
F: I'm a female impersonator.

M: Hey baby, what's your sign?
F: DO NOT ENTER.

M: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
F: Unfertilized.

M: Your body's like a temple.
F: Sorry, there are no services today.

M: I would go to the end of the world for you.
F: But would you stay there?

M: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
F: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
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Hey my ppls! these are the best of the blonde jokes! please DON'T TAKE OFFENSE. THESE ARN'T SUBJECTED STRAIGHT TOWARDS BLONDE PPL.

The Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, She decided to kidnapp a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, " I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put ,000 in a brown paper sack under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed " A Blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper sack was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found ,000 with a note that said, " How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
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The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. So a blonde walked in to try for the job. "Okay", the sheriff said, " What is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven", she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, thats not what i meant but shes right.
"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?"
"Today and Tomarrow", the blonde answered.
He was again surprised that she supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself. Then thought really hard for a minute and finnaly admitted, "I don't know."
"Well why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant!
"The went great! first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
----------------------------------------------------
Top 10 Blonde Inventions:

10. Water-Proof teabag
9. Pedal Powered wheelchair
8. Powdered water
7. Ejection seat on a helicopter
6. A dictionary Index
5. Inflatable dart board
4. A book on how to read
3. Submarine screen doors
2. Solar powered flash light
1. Water-proof towel
----------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell which tricycle is the blondes?
A. It's the one with the kickstand.
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Q. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M's factory?
A. She threw away all of the W's
----------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pick it up, Pull the pin and throw it back
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She Was So Blonde That She.....
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
She took a ruler to bed with her because she wanted to seehow long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here", she put Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes happen around the home, she moved.
She got an A.M. radio and it took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Consentrate"
----------------------------------------------------
Q. What will the blonde woman ask you if she's pregnant?
A. "Is it mine?"
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Q. What do you get when a blonde dies her hair brown?
A. Artificial Intelligence
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Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You can park in the handicap spaces
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Q. How do you make a blondes eyes light up?
A. Shine a flash light in her ear
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Q. Why can't blondes make Ice Cubes?
A. Because they can't remember the recipe
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Q. Why do blondes always smile in lightning storms?
A. They think that they are getting their picture taken
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Once there was a blonde who was totally sick of hearing blonde jokes. So she decided to learn all of the state capitals. The next day she heard another blonde joke and said,"I am a blonde and I know all of the state capitals!" A brunette then replied, "Okay, what's the capital of Texas?" The blonde then smiles and says, "T".
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One day a blonde was cooking and she started a fire. So she called 9-1-1, she said,"Help! My house is on fire!" So the operater asked,"how do you get to your house Miss?" She replied,"Duh! In the big red truck!"
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A blonde and a brunette are riding in a car they see another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a cornfield. The blonde in the car says,"You see, that's why some people call us dumb blondes, cuz some of us do really stupid things". The brunette says,"Well why dont you tell her to stop". "I can't" says the blonde. " Well why not?" says the brunette.the blonde then replies,"I can't swim."
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What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
"Look daddy, doughnut seeds!"
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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead were on a roadtrip, when the car broke down. They are in the middle of nowhere, So they are each gonna take one thing from the car to use until they get to a hotel or something. The brunette takes food in case they get hungry. THe redhead takes water in case they get thirsty. Meanwhile the blonde is struggling with the car door. The other girls asked her, "why are you trying to bring the car door?" The blonde replied, "Well if we get hot we can roll down the windows!"
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A brunette was standing on the street corner, yelling 88,88,88,88, A blonde came along and asks why she is yelling "88,88" The brunette says,"It's fun!" "Go ahead, Try it!" So the blonde starts yelling, "88,88,88". The brunette says,"It's evenmore fun if you yell it in the middle of the street." So the blonde goes in the middle of the street and starts yelling, "88,88" again. she gets hit by a bus and dies. Then the brunette starts yelling, "89,89,89".
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One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to rob a bank. They went pretty far until they hear a police after them, So the redhead pulls over and they all hide in a barn that was near. The cop sees the car and goes in the barn, what he doesn't know is that the redhead is hiding behind the cows, the brunette is behind the pigs, and the blonde is behind a sack of potatoes. The cop walks over to the cows and says,"Is anybody here?" The redhead goes "moo", so the police man moves on to the pigs, again he asks,"Is anybody here?" the brunette goes "oink, oink", so the police officer moves on to the sack of potatoes, Lastly he asks if anybody is here, and the blonde goes," patattooooe."
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One day a blonde and a redhead robbed a gas station, as the redhead drove the getaway car she asked the blonde," are the blue lights flashing on the police car?" the blonde then replies," Yes, no, yes, no, yes...."
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A PERSONAL FAVORITE OF MINE!
There was a blonde, and she went to a shop that sold
electrical appliances. After she had looked around for
awhile, she told the guy at the desk "I want that
T.V." The guy said, "Sorry, miss, but we don't sell
T.Vs to blondes." So the blonde went home and dyed her
hair brown. She returned the next day and said to the
guy "I would like to buy that TV please." Once again,
the guy replied, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to
blondes." The blonde was slightly confused, so she
went home and dyed her hair red. A few days later she
returned and said she wanted to buy the TV, and once
again, the guy told her they didn't sell TVs to
blondes. The blonde got very upset and exclaimed, "How
do you know I am a blonde?!!!" And the guy said,
"That's not a TV, that's a microwave."
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A blonde gets in line for food at a McDonald's and gets an order of
Chicken
Mctenders. She and her burnette friend find a table and sit down and
the
blonde says "What are Chicken Mctenders made out of?"
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A Bird falls from a tree and is not breathing, a brunette and a blonde
find
her like this and the blonde says "Is it alive?"
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Why do blond nurses bring red magic markers to work?? in case they have
to draw blood.
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1 day a blind man walked into a bar. the bartender served him & the
blind ma asked if he would like 2 hear a blond joke. the bartender
replies that " well since i am a blond, the bouncer is a blond, and the
2 gentlemen on both sides of u r blonds, i dont think its such a good
idea" the blind man answered: yeah i guess ur right, i dont want 2
repeat it 4 times."
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Q: Why did they stop the wave at sporting events?
A: To many blonds drown.
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Q: Why does it take so long to make a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
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Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
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Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
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A blonde was driving in a car and she got stopped by a police man. He
said
ma'm u were swerving all over the road. She said there was this pine
tree so
i swerved right then another so i swerved left. then another and
another. he
said ma'm that was ur air freshener!
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There was a blonde who was just informed that her mother died. She was
crying really hard and her neighbor came by and made her coffee and
stayed w/
her. Then she went home. The next day the neighbor came back to see how
the
blonde was and she was crying again. The neighbor said, "Why are you so
sad
still?" The blonde said, "I just got off the phone with my sister. Her
mother
died too."
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there was a blonde a readhead and a brunette all stranded on an
island
about 20 miles away from shore, they all agreed to try to swim to
shore and
if they got there they would send for help, and if there wasnt help for
10
days then send another person, so the redhead went first, after 5 miles
she
got tired and drowned, then 10 days later the brunette tryed, she got
10
miles out and got tired and drowned, then 10 days later the blonde
tryed, she
got out 19 miles then got tired and swam back.
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Q. If Santa Claus the tooth fairy and a smart blonde would jump off a
mountain into the ocean, witch would hit the water first.

A. none of them would, because none of them are real
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There was once a couple, and the wife was blonde. one day her husband
went
to work, and she decided to paint the inside of the house. So when her
husband came home, he walked into the living room and he saw her
painting,
and she was wearing a fur coat and a starter jacket. He asked her why
she
was wearing the coats, and she replied, the instructions said to use 2
coats.
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There were 3 girls shoping in the mall. A blonde, brunette and a
red-head.
While they were there, a murder was commited, and the police thought
that
they did it, so they were taken into custidy and were going to be shot
by a
firing squd. So they bring out the brunette and the firing squd says
ready..aim... and the the brunette says HURRICANE!! So they all duck
and
the Brunette runs and hides. So they figure they lost one, but they
still
have the other 2. so they bring out the red-head and say ready...aim...
and
the red-head says, TORNADO!! so they all duck and the red head gets
away.
So they figure, at least they still have one left, so they bring out
the
blonde, and they say ready...aim...and the blonde yells FIRE!!!!
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One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife
about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the
husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare
key in the glove box!"
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Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging
rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount
Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group, they decided that one of the party should let go.
Otherwise, the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech, saying
she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The ten blondes applauded.
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when....................................
Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
----------------------------------------------------
there was this blonde and she was driving in her car when a bad snow storm
began to form the snow began to pile up and she thought that she wouldnt be
able to get out of the storm... then she remembers the wise words of her
father "whenever your caught in a snow storm follow a snow plow" she found a
snow plow and began following it. the guy in the snow plow was wondering why
she was following him and got out to ask... the blonde replied my dad always
said that if i get caught in a snow storm follow a snow plow and the guy goes
"well ok um im almost finished walmart do u wanna follow me to k mart?"
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how do you kill a blonde?
a. you put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!
----------------------------------------------------
Smartest blonde . . . . a golden retriever.
----------------------------------------------------
A brunette and a blonde jumped off the Empire State Building, who
landed first? The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for
directions.
----------------------------------------------------
A Smart Blonde, a Dumb Blonde, Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny
all bet 1,000 on a baskball game. Who won the bet? The Dumb Blonde
because the rest don't exist.
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 6:00 News (which is a
repeat of the 5:00 News) and a girl might jump off the Eiffel Tower. The
brunette said, "I bet you that she'll jump." The blonde said, "Ok, I
bet you she won't." The girl jumped. The brunette said, "I can't
take your money, I saw the 5:00 News." The blonde said, "So did I, I just
didn't think she'd jump again."
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A blonde walked into a shop and asked "What's this?", and the man
said "That's a thermos, it keeps your hot things hot and your cold things
cold." So she bought it. The next day she decided to try it. A man
asked "What's in there?" and she said "A cup of coffee and a Pepsi."
----------------------------------------------------
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
-Toes Go In First.
----------------------------------------------------
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for
Four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so
they turned around and went home.
----------------------------------------------------
Why can't Blondes dial 911?
-They can't find the 11 on the phone!
----------------------------------------------------
Did you Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
-it took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
----------------------------------------------------
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
----------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a blonde busy?
Write 'turn over' on both sides of a peice of paper.
----------------------------------------------------
Ways to Embarrass Your Mother

1. Play the rhyming-sentence game with your sister in the grocery store. Try to use as many foods as possible.
Example: Ooh look, there's tea!
Response: Won't you come and drink with me?
Ur mother will responded by walking far ahead of u with the cart mumble that she doesn't know u

2. Have a crazy walk contest anywhere around other people, like the mall. Try and see who can look the most ridiculous. ur mother will walk ten feet ahead of u in the mall. Which brings me to the third point.

3. Whenever she starts to walk ahead, ask her really loud so others around you can hear, why she is so far ahead and why she is so embarrassed of you. Act upset and throw a fit.

4. Whenever she is deciding what type of something to buy, and is taking a lot of time, play with the merchandise in the most creative way possible.
Example: play American Gladiator with sleeping bags. Just slip your arms into the middle of the sleeping bags and hit your sister with them and block yourself.
ur mother will look at u in digust and then go to the next aisle
----------------------------------------------------
Barbie's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been helping you out every year, being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather & drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties.

I hate to break it to you Santa, but IT'S PAY BACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm going to call for a nationwide meltdown ( trust me, you won't want to be around to smell it ).

Here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants & a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon & velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on & off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out & MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?! It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man. Maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. What's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him ( & me ) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jog-bra to wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor & flight attendant just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie",complete with a miniature bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood & handcuffs or "Stop Smoking Barbie" sporting a nicotine patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years now - I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours Truly,
Barbie